Otter Alongside · Stage 5 of 6
Looking after you
Every other page here is about the person you're caring for. This one is about you.
Nobody does this well on their own.
Caring for someone you love is one of the few jobs where nobody asks how you're getting on.
This page won't tell you to practise self-care or take a bubble bath. It's the practical things — money you may be owed, a break you're entitled to, and people who've done this before you.
Not only about your relative. If you're struggling with the arrangement, or with how you're doing, that's a legitimate reason to call us. 8:30am – 5pm, and on-call outside those hours.
You're a carer, even if you'd never use the word
Most people helping a parent or partner don't think of themselves as a carer. They think of themselves as a daughter, a son, a husband. The word sounds like a job title belonging to someone in a uniform.
It matters, though, because almost everything on this page — the assessment, the allowance, the support groups — is written for "carers". People miss out on all of it for years because they didn't think it meant them.
Doing their shopping. Sorting the medication. Ringing the GP. Managing money or paperwork. Popping in to check. Lying awake wondering whether they're alright. It doesn't have to be personal care, and it doesn't have to be every day.
The part nobody warns you about
Families tell us the practical side is rarely the hardest bit. These are the things people say quietly, usually after saying "this probably sounds awful, but…"
Loving someone and resenting what their care has taken from your life are not opposites. Almost every long-term carer feels both. It doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad husband.
When a person changes — with dementia especially — people describe missing them while sitting next to them. That's a real kind of grief and it catches people out because nobody has died.
Helping a parent wash, or taking over their money, quietly rearranges who you both are to each other. Most people find that harder than the task itself.
One person usually ends up doing most of it, often the one who lives nearest. The unfairness of that is real, and it wears people down more than the driving does.
None of this is a sign you're doing it badly. It's a sign you're doing it.
Your Carer's Assessment
Your council has to assess your needs as a carer, separately from your relative's care. Not their needs. Yours. You're entitled to one whether or not they get any council support, and whether or not you live with them.
It's free, it doesn't depend on savings, and hardly anyone asks for one — which is why it's the single most useful thing on this page.
Contact adult social care at your council and ask for a Carer's Assessment. That's the whole trigger.
A conversation about what you do, what it's costing you, and what you'd like to still be able to do.
The commonest mistake is playing it down. Describe your worst week, not your best one.
It might be respite, equipment, a payment, training, or a route to a support group.
The NHS explains how it works: carer's assessments — NHS guide. If you don't know which council you're under or where to start, ring us and we'll point you at the right team.
Getting a proper break
A break isn't a reward for coping badly, and taking one doesn't mean handing them over. It usually looks smaller than people imagine: a few hours a week that are reliably yours, so you can go to your own appointments, see your own friends, or sleep.
It can be regular visits so you get the same afternoon off every week, a longer block so you can go away, overnight or waking-night support so you get a run of proper sleep, or someone sitting with them while you're at a hospital appointment of your own.
Plenty of carers avoid arranging a break because they're afraid their relative will settle with someone else, or that asking looks like giving up. Neither is true — and a carer who gets a break is usually the reason someone stays at home longer.
Money you may be owed
None of this comes to us. Carers are among the most likely people to be missing money they're entitled to, usually because nobody ever told them to look.
If you care for someone 35 hours a week or more and earn under the limit. Worth checking even if you're not sure you qualify. Check and claim on GOV.UK.
Protects your State Pension for the years you spend caring. Easy to miss, and it can't always be claimed retrospectively. Check and claim on GOV.UK.
Theirs rather than yours, but it's money into the household and it isn't means-tested. Often unclaimed for years. Check and claim on GOV.UK.
Several apply, including where someone has a severe cognitive impairment. Sometimes backdatable. Apply on GOV.UK.
A free benefits check through Carers UK or your local Citizens Advice will usually find anything you've missed in one go.
People who understand it
The thing carers say helps most isn't advice. It's five minutes with somebody who doesn't need it explained.
- Carers UK — a free helpline, an online forum that's active at 2am, and clear guides to every benefit above.
- Your local carers' service. Every county has one, running groups, courses and one-to-one support. Ask us and we'll tell you which covers you.
- Alzheimer's Society — if it's dementia, their support line and local groups are worth the call.
- Otter Café. Ours, free, and open to families as well as clients. Some people come for the company and some come to sit quietly with a cup of tea. Both are fine.
If today is a bad day
If you're at the end of what you can manage, that's worth saying out loud to somebody today rather than next month.
- Ring us on 01225 690022. If something needs to change with the care, it usually can — often faster than people expect.
- Your GP. Tell them you're a carer. It goes on your record and it changes what support you're offered.
- Samaritans, free on 116 123, any time of day or night, if you need to talk to someone who isn't involved.
Then you're doing better than you think. Ring us when you need to — about them, or about you.
